On the first day of Christmas the market gave to me a turkey that won’t fricking defrost.
Day 2. I am growing a suspicion that the fridge is broken and it’s this turkey that is keeping the food cold. WHY are you still frozen, turkey, WHY? Better yet, HOW?
On the second day of Christmas my distant relatives sent to me, two “assembly requireds”, 
… and a turkey that won’t freaking defrost.
On the third day of Christmas my toyshop sold to me, three toys with batteries,
Because we don’t have enough toys already.
…two “assembly requireds”, and a turkey that won’t bloody defrost.
On the fourth day of Christmas my family gave to me, four raging tantrums,
…three toys with batteries, two “assembly requireds”, and a turkey that won’t flipping defrost.
On the fifth day of Christmas the discount store sold to me, five crappy crackers,
Because pour me another drink, dammit.
… four raging tantrums, three toys with batteries, two “assembly requireds”, and a turkey that won’t fricking defrost.
On the sixth day of Christmas my cupboard revealed to me, six stained napkins, five crappy crackers, four raging tantrums, three toys with batteries, two “assembly requireds”, and a turkey that won’t fricking defrost.
Day 2.5, the turkey defies all known laws of thermodynamics.
On the seventh day of Christmas my post man left for me, seven unanswered xmas cards, six stained napkins, five crappy crackers, four raging tantrums, three toys with batteries, two “assembly requireds”, and a turkey that won’t fecking defrost.
Day 3 I believe the bird is attempting to make friends with me.
On the eighth day of Christmas some hipsters sang to me, eight boring carols,
…And a happy new beard.
… seven unanswered xmas cards, six stained napkins, five crappy crackers, four raging tantrums, three toys with batteries, two “assembly requireds”, and a turkey that won’t sodding defrost.
On the ninth day of Christmas my wallet gave to me, nine maxed-out store cards,
…eight boring carols, seven unanswered xmas cards, six stained napkins, five crappy crackers, four raging tantrums, three toys with batteries, two “assembly requireds”, and a turkey that won’t smegging defrost.
On the tenth day of Christmas my fridge had left for me, ten types of custard,
I’m at least 80% sure that those are all custard.
… nine maxed-out store cards, eight boring carols, seven unanswered xmas cards, six stained napkins, five crappy crackers, four raging tantrums, three toys with batteries, two “assembly requireds”, and a turkey that won’t bleeping defrost.
On the eleventh day of Christmas I basically engineered for myself, eleven panic attacks,
Either I have managed to finish everything on time, or I have forgotten something important.
… ten types of custard, nine maxed-out store cards, eight boring carols, seven unanswered xmas cards, six stained napkins, five crappy crackers, four raging tantrums, three toys with batteries, two “assembly requireds”, and a turkey that won’t damn well defrost.
Sod this, it’ll be pizza all round.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, Pope Gregory XIII arranged for me, twelve months of planning…
Bodysoluble 